The lyrics from Bookends always bring me to tears. I know I will expose myself as tragically unhip when I say that Simon & Garfunkel provided the soundtrack to much of my junior and senior high school years. This song comes to mind often these days.
As I face my 40th high school reunion, I'm revisiting a question that was posed to me a few years ago when I first joined Facebook. Back then, I was telling a friend how excited I was to communicate with someone from "back in the day."
"Why do you even care about those people," was her question. "You haven't heard from them in years." I gave this considerable thought. True, I haven't spoken to many classmates in 30 years or more, but for me, my teen life was a time of such heightened emotions (as is true for many people, I think). Everything back then was such a big deal. And I've been blessed (or cursed) with a keen memory. All the high drama - good and bad - was part of what shaped who I am today. The various players in those theatrics are part of my history, and thus, part of me.
But as a lifelong writer, I realized a whole different dimension to the question. As most writers do, I think of life as a series of stories. For every kid I hung out with back then, the old question "whatever happened to ..." represents an unfinished tale and I want to know the ending!
The past year has added an even deeper meaning to this question. During the dark days I spent recovering from my cancer surgery, when I posted on Caring Bridge for what I believed would be a small circle of people currently in my life, old high school friends suddenly appeared out of the woodwork to provide some of the most comforting support and insightful wisdom.
And here's the thing I love most about reconnecting with people on Facebook and through Caring Bridge: Back in those days (the early 70's), everybody was labeled. There were the smart kids, the snobs, the sluts, the dorks (though we called them "queer" back then), the jocks, the hippies, and the "hoods" (the kids who were always getting in trouble).
Fast forward forty years: NONE of those labels make a shit of difference now. The girl who was labeled a "slut" back then is a pediatrician married to another doctor with two kids in college. The "queer" dork who never had a date is happily married with a grandchild on the way. The snob has become a great humanitarian. The smart kid didn't bother to get anything more than a B.A. and is happily working in a low-paying job for a nonprofit group. The former "hood" (you know, the one you just knew would become a criminal) is now a Wall Street executive - oh, well - maybe we could have expected that! (Sorry, I couldn't help myself ... )
These examples are fictional, of course, but my point is - I can't think of a single person I've reconnected with who let themselves be defined by their high school label. Most people grew up and built themselves wonderful lives, and I think that is absolutely amazing.
So as I approach my reunion and remember those days when I listened to Bookends on a daily basis, I realize that with the incredible gift of the internet, Paul Simon's final lyrics no longer hold true.
Time it was and what a time it was, it was
A time of innocence, a time of confidences.
Long ago, it must be, I have a photograph
Preserve your memories, they're all that's left you ...
How lucky we are that our memories are not all that's left us. We are blessed to have so many wonderful reconnections. And yet, somehow, that song still makes me cry.
Friday, July 13, 2012
Wednesday, July 4, 2012
Life Flows On, Within You and Without You ... But Mostly Within You
Tomorrow will be a full year since my rhinectomy. For those of you new to this story, one year ago, my entire nose was surgically removed to eradicate the Stage II melanoma that had taken root there.
(See http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/barbaracaplanbennett/journal for the year-long journal about recovering from cancer and learning to live without a nose.)
I was going to start out this blog by saying that on July 5, 2011, my entire life suddenly changed. But then I realized that was not true. I could say it changed on the day I got the diagnosis. I could say it changed on the day the dermatologist told me I needed a biopsy. I could even say it changed on the day someone told me I had chocolate on my nose (when I realized the deadly dark spot had become big enough to be noticed).
My point is, there really wasn't a single day on which my life changed. It was truly a process. There were many steps that ultimately lead to that surgery, and every one of them seemed life-changing.
But isn't that what most of life is -- a process? Sure, there are instances where someone's entire life changes on a dime - a horrific car accident, a plane crash - something completely sudden and unexpected that no one could see coming. But the vast majority of events in our lives are the result of actions that came before, whether we were aware of them or not.
I've come to believe that most of life doesn't happen to you, it happens because of you. Now, before you go thinking I'm one of those people who tries to "blame the victim" for a trauma or tragedy, please note the phrase, "most of life."
A few years back, I spent considerable time studying Kabbalah, which teaches that we are responsible for everything that happens to us - based on our actions either in this or a previous life. At first, I thought I saw the wisdom in this approach. But over time, as I witnessed bad things happening to people I cared about, I began to question that teaching.
And when I was told I must lose my nose to save my life, I sat in bed with husband (who will hereafter be known by my nickname for him, "Aitch"), and asked what possibly could be the reason for us enduring this radical event. His answer was (to my surprise, since he had more ardent Kabbalistic beliefs than did I): Sometimes shit just happens.
People seem to fall into one camp or another. Either they believe everything is completely random and no one has control over anything (i.e. shit always happens). Or they believe (as Kabbalah teaches), that we are all responsible for every single, minute detail of our lives.
So here's where I've landed on the question: Neither extreme suits me. Those astrologically inclined would say it's my Gemini nature - but I believe absolutely that both are true. Most of what happens to us in our life is the result of our own actions and beliefs. We have enormous control over many of our life events - power that we don't even realize we have - or responsibility that we don't want to take.
And ... sometimes shit just happens. The question then becomes, how will you respond when it does.
Obviously, none of what I've said is new. It's all a rehash of various philosophies and spiritual beliefs. As George Harrison said, "Life flows on, within you and without you." I like to think the "within you" are the things you cause, and the "without you" are the random happenings.
In fact, I've probably come to this conclusion numerous times over the course of my life. But the human thought process is an interesting thing. I believe we know a lot of things, but they get pushed to the back of our mind and forgotten - until something happens and we have to come to the realization all over again.
So today is the day for me to realize, once again: I believe most of what happens to us is a process. Every step leads to another and another. Depending on whether you relish personal power or fear responsibility - this idea will bring you comfort or terror.
It's Independence Day. I choose comfort.
(See http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/barbaracaplanbennett/journal for the year-long journal about recovering from cancer and learning to live without a nose.)
I was going to start out this blog by saying that on July 5, 2011, my entire life suddenly changed. But then I realized that was not true. I could say it changed on the day I got the diagnosis. I could say it changed on the day the dermatologist told me I needed a biopsy. I could even say it changed on the day someone told me I had chocolate on my nose (when I realized the deadly dark spot had become big enough to be noticed).
My point is, there really wasn't a single day on which my life changed. It was truly a process. There were many steps that ultimately lead to that surgery, and every one of them seemed life-changing.
But isn't that what most of life is -- a process? Sure, there are instances where someone's entire life changes on a dime - a horrific car accident, a plane crash - something completely sudden and unexpected that no one could see coming. But the vast majority of events in our lives are the result of actions that came before, whether we were aware of them or not.
I've come to believe that most of life doesn't happen to you, it happens because of you. Now, before you go thinking I'm one of those people who tries to "blame the victim" for a trauma or tragedy, please note the phrase, "most of life."
A few years back, I spent considerable time studying Kabbalah, which teaches that we are responsible for everything that happens to us - based on our actions either in this or a previous life. At first, I thought I saw the wisdom in this approach. But over time, as I witnessed bad things happening to people I cared about, I began to question that teaching.
And when I was told I must lose my nose to save my life, I sat in bed with husband (who will hereafter be known by my nickname for him, "Aitch"), and asked what possibly could be the reason for us enduring this radical event. His answer was (to my surprise, since he had more ardent Kabbalistic beliefs than did I): Sometimes shit just happens.
People seem to fall into one camp or another. Either they believe everything is completely random and no one has control over anything (i.e. shit always happens). Or they believe (as Kabbalah teaches), that we are all responsible for every single, minute detail of our lives.
So here's where I've landed on the question: Neither extreme suits me. Those astrologically inclined would say it's my Gemini nature - but I believe absolutely that both are true. Most of what happens to us in our life is the result of our own actions and beliefs. We have enormous control over many of our life events - power that we don't even realize we have - or responsibility that we don't want to take.
And ... sometimes shit just happens. The question then becomes, how will you respond when it does.
Obviously, none of what I've said is new. It's all a rehash of various philosophies and spiritual beliefs. As George Harrison said, "Life flows on, within you and without you." I like to think the "within you" are the things you cause, and the "without you" are the random happenings.
In fact, I've probably come to this conclusion numerous times over the course of my life. But the human thought process is an interesting thing. I believe we know a lot of things, but they get pushed to the back of our mind and forgotten - until something happens and we have to come to the realization all over again.
So today is the day for me to realize, once again: I believe most of what happens to us is a process. Every step leads to another and another. Depending on whether you relish personal power or fear responsibility - this idea will bring you comfort or terror.
It's Independence Day. I choose comfort.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)